Historically, end-of-the-year reflection for me has been an exercise in listing achievements and setting goals, including the last goal setting event with everybody’s favorite, Nurse Blake. This year we’re doing things a little differently.

Let’s take a trip through my 2023 - a year that feels like the extension of a bizarre dream - and hit some highlights and lowlights. I’m walking you through all this partly to catch you up and explain my absence, and partly to help myself come to terms with wtf happened in the last 12 months.

Some of my OG’s may remember that 2022 ended with me getting COVID for Christmas. I dodged that shit for 3 years of the pandemmy and then, last holiday season I got knocked fully on my ass for almost 2 weeks. Once you finish reading, you’ll know the full price I paid to COVID. So let’s officially roll through my …

2023 Event timeline

I know the exact moment I got COVID.

I’m going to spare you the story, but yes, I was wearing my PPE. There were a lot of annoying, unusual factors, and I don’t know what I could have done better, to answer the inevitable question.

Cue up almost 10 days of high fevers, cough, body aches, and me trying to sleep through the whole thing. I don’t recall when I went back to work, but I didn’t feel ready and working post-COVID in an N95 is something I don’t wish on anybody. The fatigue during recovery was a bitch.

I did manage to get my shit together enough later in the month to drag my ass to the Shedd Aquarium for one of the Free Days for Illinois residents. It was the first thing I enjoyed with Doug outside of the house after being sick - though it was the most screaming children in an enclosed space I’ve encountered ever. I think that’s the thing that stopped Doug and me from seeing the whole thing without realizing it. It wasn’t until weeks later that we saw online photos of parts of the aquarium we had never seen that made us go “hmmm…”. That said, someday we’ll go back and see the rest.

outside the Aquarium

I felt like hell. This was my first venture out to do something fun post COVID. I was wearing like 5 layers of fleece and took a bunch of over the counter meds before we went. I’m still glad we did it.

My proudest achievement in January was producing and releasing the podcast I recorded with nurse Whitney Fear, and her work as a Psychiatric-Mental Health Nurse Practitioner in Fargo, ND. I am going to link it here for those of you who may have missed it and are interested in her work and life with the Oglala Lakota Nation. I am really proud of that episode and Whitney is just really fucking cool.

https://www.nursinguncensored.com/episodes/whitney

FEBRUARY

My man and I continued playing Chicago tourists by dragging ourselves out in the cold to the beautiful Art Institute which is just a quick train ride away from our place. Though we cruised a good portion of that huge museum, we didn’t see it all and had to give up before we got into the Salvador Dali exhibit that drew us there in the first place.

First Urgent Care Visit - Bitch Can’t Breathe

Aside from my migraine disorder, I’ve always been relatively healthy, so it was a frightening feeling to be winded and wheezing with basic daily tasks and walking up the stairs to my apartment. Normally, I live up to the stereotype of being a nurse who goes to the doctor only when at death’s door. I must’ve been feeling it that day because my ass drove down Lake Street to the closes immediate care and I demonstrated my best wheeze at check-in so that the Wizard behind the curtain would gift me some albuterol. A neb, prescriptions for a round of steroids, an albuterol inhaler, a big bill, and I was on my way. Little did I know that albuterol would save my ass all the way up to Thanksgiving.

MARCH

Chicago winter marched on, and one day on my way across the skywalk at my giant downtown hospital, I was blessed to capture this lovely shot of what is known as Chicagohenge - the day that happens twice a year - when the sunset lines up perfectly with the grid of downtown city streets. Photographers all over the city crowd each other for a shot similar to this. I feel accomplished for getting this as I race, likely late, to my unit.

March is also when I finally established care with a permanent Primary Care physician instead of planning on relying on Immediate care. She prescribed my first daily preventative inhaler. Getting it from the pharmacy was a nightmare and we ended up switching prescriptions because of it.

I released what would turn out to be my most popular episode of the year this month. Check out my lively discussion with Kevin McFarlane of the Art of Emergency Nursing where we talk about The Truth About ER vs. Inpatient Nurse Drama

https://www.nursinguncensored.com/episodes/aoen

Chicagohenge

Twice a year, the sun lines up with the grid and we get sunsets like this. It’s beautiful, unless you’re driving due west.

I did not have meeting Addison, AKA @big_daddie_addie on my bingo card for 2023, much less taking a boat ride with him. But that’s exactly what happened. He found himself in Chicago and I feel drawn to play hostess to every friend that comes to town, even if it’s only for a few hours. So we took an architectural boat tour down the Chicago River (that Addie dozed off through most of due to jet lag post-night shift) and then we went to the world’s largest Starbucks to properly wake up and gossip. It was a quick visit but very worthwhile. Here’s a selfie with Addie (and my babushka because it was so fucking cold).

APRIL

April was a big month for Doug who got to plan a bit trip with his crew of best childhood buddies who hadn’t taken a vacation together ever. They went to Cedar Point to ride roller coasters and do god knows what else without the supervision of their significant others. They all came back in one piece, so it was a success.

I’m pretty sure I did nothing notable that whole month. Looking back, I can say I never really got back to my baseline of breathing like a normal person. My cough came and went. I got fatigued easily. I found myself suddenly being one of those people who complained I couldn’t breathe in a mask (never had an issue before). Yet it still took a while for the picture to come together.

I released my third of four episodes in 2023 this month. I had the pleasure of talking with Donna Cardillo about overcoming self-doubt and finding positivity in nursing.

https://www.nursinguncensored.com/episodes/inspirationrn

MAY

I barely saw my mom through the whole pandemic and then not at all for the year I lived in Minneapolis. So it was a real treat when my mom came to Chicago for her birthday in May. She came a bit after her birthday so we could hit up a local art fair, and I saw cousins I hadn’t seen in decades. It was refreshing to see Mom outside of her day-to-day routine, but I was worn the fuck out when she left.

May was also the last month of 2023 when I released a podcast episode. I just wasn’t able to do any more interviews without my heavy wheeze breathing in the mic. And I was too tired to care at that point. However, I managed to publish one last episode that I was proud of regarding the future of nursing education with dean Audrey Snyder.

https://www.nursinguncensored.com/episodes/asnyder

JUNE, when it got scary

One hot summer day, I visited a friend who lives in my neighborhood. I love living in a walkable neighborhood, so I was hoofing it. On the way home, just a block from his house, I started having trouble breathing. I debated going back, but I also knew my albuterol was at home, so I figured I’d press on the 6 or 7 blocks to get there. Block 3 I was winded. Block 4 I was wheezing. Block 5 I was stuck by traffic waiting to cross, pursed lip breathing, feeling my neck stretch as I struggled to take in breath. I can hear the whistling in my neck. I started to get scared and started video-recording myself in case something bad happened while I was alone.

I called Doug who was like 4-5 long blocks ahead of me. I was able to whistle out where I was and to bring the albuterol STAT. He knew what STAT meant. I dragged my desperately struggling body 2 more blocks, debating if I should call an ambulance. I looked ahead and saw Doug round the corner, all 6’ 5” of him, and thanks be to all the heavens the man is a runner.

He flew those few blocks with my red inhaler in his hand. I stopped where I was, dropped my hands to my knees, and gasped in tripod position. When he got to me I must’ve taken 4 massive puffs of that MDI before I felt my airway open and the whistling inside my head stopped. I would have cried except I worried that I’d stop breathing if I did.

Once Doug, walking alongside me, ensured I wasn’t dying at that moment, he gave me a thorough what-for about not having my inhaler every time I left the house.

As soon as we got home, off we flew to the same Urgent Care as before, only there they gave me TWO back-to-back Duo-nebs and an even heftier round of steroids. They told me to follow up with my PCP. That means making the appointment and waiting.

On a happier day that month, on my birthday, to be exact, I saw my closest childhood cousin whom I also hadn’t seen in probably 2 decades. (I had been away from my hometown for a long, long time.) We had lunch, a nice walk around downtown Oak Park, and caught up on years of family news.

I spent my birthday afternoon and evening with another old friend who took me to a show at the Pritzker Pavilion by the lakefront. Few things are better than live music with friends under the sky. I went home to my Honey and the birthday closed out with a content little me.

JULY

Doug and I had it on our Chicago wish list to hit up a Cubs game at Wrigley. Doug had never been and I hadn’t been since I was a kid. This summer we finally hopped on a crowded train to the North Side and enjoyed our expensive, yet great seats. The view would have been perfect except that the WGN camera guy stood directly in my view of home plate for 90% of the game. I, like the Cubs, can’t win ‘em all.

Despite continuing to feel like a run-down old bitch with a chronic smoker’s cough all year, I still jumped at the opportunity to play Ambassador of Chicago again when I heard Jamie of the Neurodivergent Nurse and her Honey were stuck here on a multi-day layover. We ended up meeting on the Riverwalk and then walking all over Streeterville and over to the Lake. I would have loved to have spent more time with them, but after that, I felt like a worn-out old dog and had to drag myself home to the couch.

Doug and I ended up in the heart of downtown again for a 3D fireworks boat cruise at the of the month. This little joy ride up and down the Chicago River and out onto the lake (barely) was a gift from my good friend Robin, who wanted us to experience something new on a date night. The fireworks show was great and the boat ride was nice, but it was made a little too long by the other people on the boat who were overserved and acting out. Despite the drunken foolishness, it was still a great experience - but it’s a ride you only need to take once.

SEPTEMBER

This whole year, my migraines are popping off with no real pattern or sense of control. So I met up with my primary doctor again and we changed my medications. The biggest change is that she gave me some subcutaneous medication I can take when I’m worshipping the porcelain gods and can’t take my migraine medications. At the time of this publishing, the preventatives are helping and I’ve not yet had to give myself any shots, which I’m not sure I can even do. This may have to be a skill I teach to Doug. Ridiculous that I give people shots all the time, but when it comes to putting this teeny-ass needle in my belly fat, I’m helpless.

In the spirit of having a paid-off deductible and an active referral, I got my first mammogram. I am 42 years old with almost no breast cancer in my family history. I got a clean scan this time and I did not enjoy that experience. It wasn’t as bad as a pap or an IUD insertion, but basically, all procedures related to the female reproductive system are tremendously uncomfortable to varying degrees. Over the next several days, I began to feel like someone had used my chest as a punching bag and then it faded. Even though I’m complaining about the discomfort, I am really lucky and grateful to have access to this diagnostic care.

In addition to my health issues, September had a big load of traumatic family stuff going on, too. I’m not going to go into it, but just know that some things sucked a lot of time, energy, money, and emotion from me in a somewhat ongoing fashion. It was an awful, emotionally charged experience, and things are as good as they’re gonna get, as far as I can tell. That’s an ambiguous mess of a paragraph, but the take-away is that my family suffered an injury and it’s a metaphorical wound that may never fully heal.

Because of all the shit that sucked this month, I decided to counter the negative juju by spontaneously buying expensive concert tickets to ‘bucket list’ shows spanning a matter of a few weeks. Doug and I saw Nick Cave for the second time, but it was our first time at the historic Auditorium Theater. The sea of people was so massive on the way in and out, that I didn’t even have the opportunity to take in the opulence of this theater.

Nick Cave, Auditorium Theater, Chicago, 2023

OCTOBER
Two weeks later, early in October, we saw the one and only Bob Dylan at the Palace Cadillac Theater. That was a once-in-a-lifetime show for us and I was glad I was able to surprise Doug with tickets to see one of his favorite songwriters of all time.

I had to continue to handle more hard family stuff, including traveling out of state on my own - I remember being worried about seeing family with how much I was coughing and wheezing. I was staying with an old coworker, a nurse, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to conceal my bad breathing from her. I was using my albuterol inhaler all the time, in secret, unable to catch my breath after basic tasks, short staircases, and letting my dog out. I was getting worried, but I had to keep going. I convinced people I wasn’t acutely ill and it was my “long COVID”.

Not sure why I thought that was somehow better. I was being one of those stubborn patients that irritated me so much. I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t being proactive about managing it. At the back of my mind, I thought I had developed asthma, but also told myself I was being ridiculous.

NOVEMBER

Then the albuterol inhaler started to run out.

I didn’t want to become a chronic urgent care frequent flyer, and I had a referral to see a pulmonologist, so there was no excuse. Finding an appointment near home before the inhaler ran out was difficult, so I removed the distance filter from my appointment search.

I found an appointment for the following day at a hospital 75 minutes away. I took it, made the pilgrimage up to Lake Forest, and saw a lovely Nurse Practitioner who gave me my official asthma diagnosis and a prescription for prednisone and Symbicort.

Yes friends, I’ve been raw doggin’ asthma for 11 months or so. No wonder I couldn’t breathe.

The script she gave me for prednisone was to knock out the horrible inflammation and cough that I had built up over the last however many months, and the Symbicort is my new, twice-daily medication to treat my chronic condition.

Since finishing the round of prednisone and starting the Symbicort, in conjunction with the new medications for my migraines, I feel like a fucking normal human again. I can breathe. I’m not wheezing. I can sleep. I can climb the stairs. I can reposition a patient at work without having a fucking asthma attack. I haven’t used my renewed albuterol prescription in many days. I am so glad I have these meds on board, I have a doctor, a diagnosis, and access to care.

I feel dumb I didn’t see someone so much sooner, but I don’t feel that for very long. Life moves fast, we get distracted and let things slip for longer than we intend. But now I can record a podcast episode again because I can hold a conversation without having bronchospasm and hacking my lungs out for 2-3 minutes. I feel like improving my nursing skills again for the first time in a long time because I am not focusing all my energy on just breathing and getting by. I hit my first successful IV in 2.5 years. I used to be good at them. I was at a hospital for a year where I had an IV team. And in the last year, I’ve failed many times. But now I be looking for them veins again.

Since I was feeling better, I started thinking about ways to maintain it. I got my flu vaccine two weeks ago. I need to not waste time getting my next COVID vaccine. We never stopped getting COVID + patients on my unit. I do not ever want to feel the way that shit made me feel ever again.

Then last week, basically two weeks before Christmas, I was taking care of an elderly patient with influenza. I was diligent with PPE, handwashing - I’ll be damned if I didn’t have the flu the very next day. Fever, chills, body aches, vomiting, nausea, congestion, and misery descended upon me for just under 3 days. My temp didn’t quite reach 102 degrees Fahrenheit, but it was over 100 for two nights. I kept thinking how grateful I was that I wasn’t dealing with this without my flu vax. It’s possible that I caught a different strain than the vax was made for, but it’s also possible that I just would’ve been much worse without it.

Now that I’m mostly over this illness, can I get a fucking break.
Can I have a coughless, non-hoarse voice with which to podcast again PLEASE??

LOOKING ONWARD TO 2024

When I summarize my year in a narrative like this, it highlights some themes for me. Two of those themes that are intertwined are healing and repairing, I’ve had some uncomfortable, even painful recovery from things that occurred this year, so I’m setting my sights on growth and rebound in 2024. I don’t mean this in a hyperproductive, toxic way, but more so in a sense of resuming the path I was on before things went to shit circa 2020. I’d like to start enriching the plans for the future of my career, the podcast, my hobbies, travel, and all the other things I want in the coming years.

Doug and I are hitting our holiday traditions hard, and despite the naysayers, we started early back in November. We made a collaborative master Google spreadsheet of holiday movies to watch between now and the end of the year. We’ve enjoyed some sweet treats like sugar cookies, gingerbread, kolacky, and apple slices. We dried some fruit slices for making garlands and made some orange pomanders. We’ve started stuffing each others’ stockings with little goodies and all three of us have a little advent calendar. Yes, three. Doug and I have chocolate advent calendars and Mac has an advent calendar with doggie treats. It’s a full frontal assault on seasonal depression in this apartment. It’s pretty nice considering all the trash that’s happened around us in the world.

This photo was captured while sitting in HORRENDOUS traffic while heading downtown on a Saturday night to pick up friends for dinner. Despite the gridlock in the loop, we made it to the restaurant and had a nice time.

We put up some winter decor, including our tabletop Christmas tree, wintery garland, and all the fruit slices I dried. I already predict I’m going to be too lazy to take this down in two weeks, so it’ll probably be up through January.

So friends, let’s continue to fight off the seasonal depression with good food, bright colors, practices of hygge, sun lamps, taking our meds, and getting outside when we can.

‘Til we meet again, protect your health and your peace. I’ll talk to you in 2024.

Featured